Life in 100 Words

A Unique look into life, 100 words at a time.

Life Chat: I'm Not Sorry.

I wish I was writing this sober and under happier circumstances, but it's not.

I replay that day in my head over and over and I realized that there were signs there that I ignored due to me being "in love".  

It started with small things like my lack of communication during my depressed days, me fighting to get control of my emotions while trying not to kill myself, you lacked understanding, but tried to be there.

 It eventually led to us not seeing each other as often, we both blamed work and life obligations. We managed to talk on the phone with forced and repetitive conversation.

I later found myself more comfortable not being around you, then the pressures of life and family pushed me over the edge, the most alarming thing was that saying "I love you" was less and less frequent from the both of us.

We were drifting apart, and I eventually found myself trying to stick it out because I didn't want you to think I was leaving you at the hardest time of your life and I was scared of being alone.

Then reality hit my heart hard as fuck.

I found myself praying and crying asking myself "where do I go from here?"

I came to the realization that going back to square one is a blessing, it's a chance to start over.

I am not sorry.

I'm not sorry for finding you on that web site, I am sorry for crying about it and questioning my worth.

I'm not sorry for "giving up" on us, I am sorry for not putting myself first.

I'm not sorry for making you happy, I am sorry for putting your happiness before my own.

I'm not sorry for being your better half, I am sorry for looking to you to make me whole.

I'm not sorry for seeing a future with you, I am sorry for actually considering your dreams before mine.

I am not sorry for loving you, I am sorry for not loving me more.

I don't hate you.

I wish you the best in all that you do, I hope you find a queen to make you a better man, I tried to be that for you.

I'm not fucking with nobody, my heart has taken too many blows.

I am no longer afraid to put myself first.

I am selfish when it comes to my happiness, my dreams, my mental state.

I am ready to grow.

 I am ready to be a better woman.

I will be a stronger woman.

I'm not giving up on love.

It's all about me right now AND I'M NOT SORRY ABOUT IT.