Life in 100 Words

A Unique look into life, 100 words at a time.

I'll Wait

If you really knew how powerful sex was, you wouldn't give away so freely.

It's dangerous for you physically and spiritually.

There will be soul ties.

The realization that someone has been there before you.

Pieces of yourself left scattered.

The constant fear that you're not enough.

The constant question "Does he really love me?"

Insecurities shine bright when you're naked in a dark room.

I'll wait, forever if I have to.

 

Lost & Found (29th Birthday Post)

"You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth." Psalms 71:20 (NLT)

 

Today is my 29th birthday and I'm so thrilled to say that I've finally found her.
Who do you ask? I've finally found me, the real me.

Birthday's are reminders that you're getting older. Most people try to cheat by repeating another year to avoid the inevitable. But for me, Birthday's are special. 

Birthday's are a chance to reflect on your maturity in the past year and give you new goals for a new year. 
I am entering the last of my twenties and knocking right on thirties door, but the significance of this birthday compared to the many others is the fact that after being lost for so long, I'm finally found.

As a young girl, I had big dreams that soared beyond the limitations of the apartment windows in the projects. I was never brave enough to go after them because of fear and circumstance. I will always be living in the projects and be poor.

Then puberty hit and trying to learn about these feelings that were rising from my heart and crotch. I developed tattooed self-doubts about my body and physical beauty, I could blame my molestation at the age of 6 or the generational scar left by a family member that constantly called me ugly. I will never be pretty.

Teenage years were mostly a blur, but my first kiss and my first heartbreak are permanent recollections.  

College graduations and so many unequally yoked relationships came later. Trying to juggle the responsibilities as an adult bought depression. The loss of my mother and later my grandmother put me into a dark abyss that was masked by fake laughter and positive tweets. 
How much can longer can I fake being happy?

Finding yourself is a part of growing older, but I was completely lost. I was not sure of my worth as a woman. I was clueless about my career and long term goals. I wasn't even sure if my life was worth living.

I was trying to put together my scattered pieces in bad relationships, alcohol, fake friends, sex, suicide attempts, makeup, and hair,  I was trying to be perfect in the eyes of my family to override the fact that I was the black sheep. 

My feet were aching from running, my heart was numbed. 
I was just existing and had no hope in my undecided future.

I got tired of being lost, so I surrendered to God.

God redeemed me and through him I discovered me.

So, today I rejoice in being free. 
I celebrate being loved unconditionally and without limitations. 
I celebrate prayers being answered in the name of Jesus.
I celebrate loving myself because I was made fearfully and wonderfully by the same creator that made roses and the sun. 
I celebrate genuine laughter and smiles.
I celebrate friends that love me and have my back.
I celebrate an imperfect family that I love unconditionally.
I celebrate my brand-new life, a confident life.
I celebrate having a new found admiration and respect for my body.
I'm so delighted with the woman I am and will be.


 

 

Life Chat: Untitled (A Convo with God)

Dear Father,

It's just me and you and I need to talk to you.
I first come to you with an appreciation for allowing me another day to be in your presence and live according to your will.
I thank you for transforming my life and erasing my past.
I thank you for teaching me to love and accept how you see me and not how the world does.

But I have questions.

Why is pain part of your destiny for me?

I know in your Word you say that you would wipe every tear and no more sorrow, yet I weep still.
Is this what you're doing to test my strength alone or my strength to lean on you?
Are tears and scars a badge of honor or tattooed reminders of how much more growing in you that I have to do?

Why do you allow the same devils to haunt me?

The daily lures of alcohol and sex surround me.
I face it every day at my job, it's on my timeline, it's on tv. 
I WANT TO GIVE IN SO BADLY.
I have to honest, I've been so stressed that I've wanted to drink myself numb.
I've felt so lonely that I would have slept with anyone to cure a momentary itch.
I know that you only allow the enemy to overwhelm me for a short time, but why even allow it period?
Is this your way of showing me that if I look to you that as long as I follow you, the devil's  attack will bounce off of you like Teflon?

Why do you even love me?

I've neglected you so many times.
I've denied your existence.
I've been lost and ignored your path.
I've disrespected my body.
I've substituted my intuition with liquor on an empty stomach.
I've worshiped money and celebrities, even made them idols.
I found myself on settling on having less than because there were no breaks for "someone like me"
All of this, yet you still love me? are you crazy?

I'm not the ideal Christian.
I don't know the Bible word for word.
I don't go to church every Sunday.
I stammer when I pray.
I'm really trying.
Yet you still bless me.
Your grace and mercy are renewed daily.
You listen without interfering.
You guard me.
You see the best in me when I only see the worst.
You washed away my past.
You kept me when other's have deserted me.
You don't ask for much but my faith and devotion.

I will continue to have problems on this journey.
Throughout it all, THANK YOU.

 

 

Forbidden Fruit

We are tempted daily by the taste of this bitter, forbidden fruit.

We are told that the answers to our problems are a Google click away.

We are told that sex is the best love.

We are told that God's word and existence is a lie.

We are told that we cannot dream big because of our circumstances.

We are told that money and celebrity are to be worshiped.

But I've tasted sweeter.

The sweet name of my Heavenly Father lingers on my lips.

Just calling it out, unlocks a power that not even the world can't restrain.

He is bigger than any problem or temptation. 

It is because of him my dreams are possible.

He rewards those who choose to worship him with daily favor, grace, and mercy.

His love is unconditional.

What issweeter than that? 

My Life in 2016 (Yearly Wrap Up)

 

Where did this year go? As I write this on my iPhone staring at the sun rise, I can't help but reflect back on this year. 

2016 for me was a year of awakening. It has been a year of drastic change.

Where to begin? Well, the obvious is that once again, I'm ending the year single. I giggle about this now, but I've come to an amazing revelation that I will share later. I do not have anything bad to say about my ex, I wish him the best in his life moving forward.

Now that that's out the way.  

This year I ventured into a new project when it came to building my brand. I ventured into YouTube (you can watch some of my vids in the "Life Vids" section above). Though my subscribers aren't in the millions, Chile I haven't even hit 30 yet, but I found it to be a new way to connect with you. I love the recording and editing process and don't plan on stopping going into 2017. 

This blog has been neglected. I admit it and I've been ashamed of it. I've put so much effort into upgrading and writing content, but my passion for it began to fade this year. My goal is to fight for this blog, I don't want to let you as my readers and friends down. I can't give up on this blog.

Besides the ups and downs I've experienced this year, 2016 has been the year of spiritual breakthroughs for me.

After my break up, I went through another trial of depression. I was totally broken and my soul was so weary. I wasn't depressed enough to attempt suicide again, but depressed and broken enough to swear off love forever.  It was at my weakest moment, that I made the best decision I've ever made, I gave my life back to Christ and embraced practicing celibacy.

By God's grace and mercy my life has been amazing. 

My life has more purpose now. I have never felt more free and more loved.  My goal going into 2017 is to continue building my relationship with God. I'm not the perfect Christian, but I'm committed to God and his promises. I also want to find a church home to fellowship and grow in.

I've seen lots of friends and associates disappear this year and I'm not even questioning if. God has blessed me enough to keep the right people in my life. So to Brittany, Shariyka, Lamoi, Tarrah, Soleil, Jackie, Lessy, Vanity, and my blogging sisters (If I forgot your name, blame it on my mind and not my heart) I appreciate all you Queens for sticking by me, giving me advice, embracing and encouraging my new lifestyle change. I know I'm not the perfect friend and sister to you all, but I am committed to doing my best this year and every year. I love and appreciate you all. 

I don't plan on dating this year (God may have other plans). The single life has taught me so much about myself. I'm learning about who I am and why some, if not all, my relationships have failed. I even gave up fighting on a situation with a good guy who was honest to tell me that he can't love me. As much as that hurt, I'm grateful that I was strong enough to accept that rejection and move on. I don't want to continue settling for someone out of fear of loneliness. I want God to write my love story. Along with the decision to not date, as I've mentioned earlier, I am celibate. And I mean for real celibate. I do not plan on having sex until marriage and not even kiss a guy on the lips. Some may say that's a little extreme, but I know myself. I want to experience those things with my husband. Someone who cannot easily walk away. Someone who I am committed to and who is the same for me. I don't know when God will bless me with a mate, but my focus is not on that right now.  Celibacy hasn't been easy.  But it has given me clarity and self worth. It's also an excellent f**k Boy repellant. 

My relationship with my sister has greatly improved this year. We're the closest we've ever been. She's been supportive of my commitment to God. She's been my ride or die. We even said we loved each other for the first time in what seems like forever! We say it daily now. I'm grateful to God for this beautiful blessing. I just pray going into 2017 that we continue to grow together.

Kylah, my beautiful niece continues to amaze me. Can't believe she's going to be 4 in April. My best friend Brittany has made me a God Mom! My doll of a God daughter is named Brielle and I love her.  My bestie's older daughters are also growing beautifully and make me proud to be an aunt, Ijona and Ariyana, I love you.

I can't say that cliche saying "new year, new me". I believe I'll be the same me, just better. I'm ready for whatever 2017 throws my way. With God, my family, and friends on my side, I can't do nothing else but win.

I want to personally thank each and every one of you that visits this blog, watched the YouTube videos, retweet, hit me on IG and Snapchat. I couldn't have gotten this far without your constant love and loyalty. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I can't wait to see where this blog goes in 2017 and I pray that you continue to ride this ride with me. 

Happy New Year and God Bless! 

XOXO

Minnie

Life Chat: With this Ring...

From time to time, my thoughts drift to that day.

With tears burning my eyes and my stomach empty I cried out in agony "I can't take it no more, my heart can't take it no more."

My best friend and sister, Lamoi, tried to comfort me. At the time I accepted it, but I was still empty. He broke my heart.

I cried for what seemed like an hour and then there was a vulnerable moment when I decided to surrender and to give my life to God. 

I wanted to live my life right. I wanted to find love God's way. That was six months ago.

My life has transformed dramatically.I'm building a deep relationship with God. I read my bible daily. I pray every day (could pray some more though). 

 I gave up the "situationships" I was in, I gave up alcohol, I gave up negative friends, and I gave up sex.

Out of all the things I gave up to be renewed in Christ and to live my brand new life, sex was the hardest and the most controversial amongst my friends and family.

I initially made my decision due to my recent breakup because after a breakup you become celibate by default, right?

I had to think and reflect on why I found myself in the same types of relationships that always end the same way. I came to the resolution that sex was the link.

I went to God for direction on this decision, I only wanted to present my whole self to him holy. I wanted my heart and my body to be purged of the past pain. I wanted my future spouse to have a pure wife.

So I referred to my bible and it directed me to 1 Corinthians 6:18 and Colossians 3:5

 Six months into my celibacy, I learned the hard way, that it isn't easy.

 It required lots of prayers. Developing new hobbies, self-discipline. It required me to not fall into the trap of loneliness.

It's teaching me about my worth. 

I wanted to honor this new victory and the first thing that popped into my mind was a ring.

I discussed the idea with friends, most said "yes" a couple said "no", I went to God and he agreed.

So I bought myself a ring to celebrate this first quarter of my journey. 

I bought the ring to be a constant reminder that God is preparing me for someone special.

I needed a reminder not to give into the temptation that is around me.

 I needed the motivation that one day my left finger will adorn a ring and God will give me the love of my life.

So with this ring, I give to you Lord my mind, spirit, and body. I bestow myself to you a living and holy sacrifice.

With this ring, I vow not to be a slave to my past. The men I've slept with and gave my body to that were undeserving, are no longer. The soul ties are broken.

With this ring, I vow to continue living my best life. I will do the things that make me happy. I will nurture, correct, and strengthen my relationships with my family and friends.

With this ring, I vow to wait on you Lord. You know what's best for me and you will mold me into a wonderful and strong woman.

With this ring, I vow to be happy. Purely and genuinely happy.

But God

One of my two suicide attempts could have been successful.

 

I could have went crazy.

 

A child could have been a result of constant sex with a man I knew didn't love me.

 

I could have allowed so called friends to take advantage of me.

 

I could have been homeless.

 

I could allowed drugs to numb the nightmares of my molestation.

 

I could have drank myself into a rape.

 

I could have let bulimia cure my insecurities.

 

This world could have defeated me.

 

BUT... God.

 

My savior.

My refuge.

My protection.

My provider.

My second chance.

My new life.

Life Chat: I got you.

Dear Daughter,

I know you think that I've forgotten you, but I haven't.

Every night when you sit on your bedroom floor reading my word and talking to me, I hear you.

Don't ever think that I won't come to you when you call on me.

You may not see me, but you must believe in me and my all knowing power.

When you sat in that bed crying after he broke your heart, when the tears stopped, that was me comforting you.

When you got that funny feeling about that " friend", that was me guiding your intuition.

When you got off that train that eventually crashed, that was me protecting you.

When you wake up in the morning and feel the sun warming your face, or hear the calmness of the rain hitting your window, that's me showing you that I am the creator of all things, I thrive all around you.

I hear every prayer. 

But my child, I need you to be content in my timing, I will not steer you wrong.

I know what you need, but I want you to have faith in my ability to provide for you.

You feel alone, I'm preparing you and strengthening you,I have someone for you.

I will give you everything that you've prayed for, I will give you an abundance of blessings, but you have to trust me.

When times get hard, when your mind and soul gets weary, know that I'm here with you.

When you see me blessing those around you, don't get discouraged, your blessing is on the way.

Yes, she's beautiful, but I made you fearfully and wonderfully, you are my prized possession.

Those negative people in your life will not be around much longer, I'm moving them out the way.

Your struggles will not last always. You're my child, and you will see victory.

Your sacrifices will be rewarded.

Keep reading my word, keep talking to me through prayer.

Keep believing and having confidence in me.

I got you.

Love Always,

Your Heavenly Father.

I Choose You

The world assures me that my body is the vessel for personal gain.

The world tells me that my worth is based on material things.

The world glorifies wealth over substance.

The world says it's ok to accept less because I'll never have more.

The world tells me constantly that you aren't real.

Lord, I am yours and no longer of the world.

Through the laughter and judgement, I still believe in you.

My heart is filled with your grace and mercy.

My steps are measured steadily in your favor.

You bless me abundantly.

Lord,  I will always choose you.

Full Attention

I've been dismayed.
I've had friends lie and take advantage of me.
I don't want another broken heart.

So, I give my full attention to you.
The only person who doesn't hold my past against me.
The man who gave his life to show me how true love should be.
The one who I can escape to without fear of being rejected.

There will be good looking men ,
People who are not of you will go.

What I know for sure is that you're all I need.
I exalt you with an open mind and heart.
Lord, you've got my full attention.

A Talk With Dad

Father, do you hear me?
I do, my child.

Father. I'm not good enough.
You're more than enough.

Father, I'm not pretty/handsome enough.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Father, why hasn't it happened yet?
It will happen in my timing.

Father, I'm trapped.
If you believe in me, you're free.

Father, my past  haunts me.
I make all things new.

Father ,It's too hard.
You can do anything through me.

Father, where do I go?
Follow me.

Father, I just can't win,
You're victorious.

Father, no one loves me.
My son died on the cross because I love you.

The Greatest Love Ever

I have a man who thinks I'm to die for.

I have a man who doesn't judge me and makes my past a faint memory.

I have a man who thinks I'm beautiful, and I know it's a fact because he created me.

I have a man who listens without interrupting and overly is forgiving.

I have a man who gives abundantly without wanting anything in return but my gratitude.

This man, created a book that's just for me, that shares me the story of his life and is the guideline to make my life better.

This awesome man loves me enough to prepare a home for me with streets made of gold.

For his love I am not worthy of, yet he still gives it.

My life, I give to him without question.

I want to worth his sacrifice, I want to rejoice in this new life and second chance he has given me.

Lord, I am yours forever more.

 

Even Me

I began to feel like I wasn't even worth prayer.

The world had me in a continuous spiral and it began to break me.

I began to feel worthless.

 I began to feel lonely.

 I didn't feel beautiful, 

I felt like I would go crazy without a man.

My family's bond was crumbling.

 Friends began to show me their true colors.

I was weak .

I was tired.

Then I heard a comforting voice say "I'm here my child"

Gone was the pain.

Gone was the worry.

 Gone was the feeling of not being good enough.

My vision is clear.

 My heart is full.

I feel brand new.

Even someone like me is worth His grace and mercy.

Thank you.

Life Chat: Time for a Change

I'm single again.

You may have known this already from the cryptic and sometimes subliminal Facebook and Instagram posts or even when my status magically disappeared.

I've written plenty of posts here about how good love is and how good the relationship was and how much I loved that man. It was all true. But no one ever expects the unexpected.

 The details of how the breakup occurred I will keep to myself and among the people I trust. He's not a bad guy and I wish him the best.

The actual breakup stung, what hurt the most was that I had to get used to that familiar feeling that seems to be constant when it comes to my relationships, starting over.

Having to piece back together my heart.

To get over the denial that I am once again alone.

Rolling over to a cold other side of the bed.

Having to answer those questions from family and friends about where he is.

I had to really sit back and think about why I always found myself starting over again, why was I always jumping into another relationship only for it to end as quickly as it began?

It's natural to blame the other partner when it comes to a breakup, and yes, they have played their part, but I wanted to take responsibility for my part and change it.

I'm a girl who loves love. I get swept up in the fairy tales that come in the beginning, but when the tough times come, I find it hard to adjust.

Another realization that came to me was that most of my relationships only focused on the physical. I have NEVER in all my years had a spiritual and mental connection with anyone that I've dated. THAT'S A PROBLEM.

I felt that my body was all I had to offer, as well as money. 

I was so insecure that the only time I was confident in my relationship was when me and the guy I was dating would have sex.

I never really dealt with or discussed my feelings, fears, or dreams. The only communication I would accept is sex.

I prayed to God and asked him to guide me, I wanted to know the correct path for me to follow.

I wanted to be complete.

I wanted to be wholeheartedly fulfilled in  all aspects my life.

I want a husband and a family, and at the rate that I was going in my actions towards myself and relationships none of this would be possible.

I prayed some more and God gave me the answer, Celibacy.

I know at this point in the post you've probably screwed your face up in disgust or maybe you're shocked, but let me explain.

Celibacy is more than letting go of sex.

It is an opportunity for me to not only get closer to God,but also my friends and family.  

I want to love myself with the same strength that I would my future husband, maybe more.

I want to travel and accomplish goals I've set for myself, which I always put to the back burner for my relationships.

Sex for me was a coping mechanism, a very unhealthy one.

I want to be able to face my problems head on and to not be afraid to express any type of emotion or fear I have.

I want to be able to focus and do the things that make me happy.

Will I date? Eventually. Even though the world seems to think that celibate people will be alone forever.

 When I decide to date again, I want this person to know me for me. 

I want this person to respect my decision and for them to not see as it as automatic rejection.

I don't want the distraction of sex to take away a person truly getting to know all of me.

The next man who will make love to me will b my husband, I won't rest until that's reality for me.

I know this journey will not be easy, but God knows the desires of my heart and that is the motivation I need to be strong in this decision.

I know I will get rejected and not everyone will agree with my decision  and that's OK.

I have the support of God, my family, friends, co-workers, and social media friends, that's all I need.

I'm embarking on this journey with a full heart, clear mind, and hope. I won't hold back and I won't compromise for anyone.

Time for a change.

 

 

 

 

 

Questions

Right now you're in bed with her.

She's probably cuddled up under you and you have your lips pressed again her forehead.

I know I'm on your mind.

But I have so many questions.

Does she's giggle like me?

Does she love your daughter?

Does she kiss you like me?

Does she know where your spot is?

Does she believe the dream you're selling her about a future?

Does she trust you?

Does she know that you broke my heart?

Does she know that I'm finding it hard to move on?

Does she love you much better than I did?

 

 

 

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

We may never know their stories.

We know their struggles. 

They all sought to be seen as equal.

 We ignored their cries of acceptance.

Turned our noses up and threw bible verses like daggers because they wanted to love freely.

We  live in a country that claims to be equal, yet they are singled out because of who they choose to love.

LOVE IS LOVE. NO RACE, RELIGION, POLITICAL VIEW, OR SEXUAL PREFERENCE CAN CHANGE THAT.

He killed them equally, but they couldn't live that way.

Their rainbow colored flag  should never segregate us when we all pledge allegiance to the same flag.

From Orlando to Atlanta to the Village in New York City, we ALL are with you.

I pray that each soul taken away so suddenly finds eternal peace somewhere over the rainbow.

Cold Pillows

It's something as simple as rolling over to the other side of the bed that I realized something, I'm alone.

The empty space and the coolness of the pillows catch tears and bring on memories.

 I could always count on you being on the other side of my bed.

Your hand caressing my waist, your breath on my neck, the warmth of you. The love we would make in the wee hours of the morning.

Maybe I'm foolish for becoming comfortable,

You're really gone.

We're done.

I'll get through tonight & every night.

In the morning my tears will dry.

Warning Label

Don't let the curvy shape, elegant face and  smile, fool you.

If you don't want a woman who will see better in you, keep walking.

If you don't want a woman who will be faithful and loyal, leave me be.

If you don't want  a woman who carries herself as a Queen and will not settle for anything less than a King, swipe left.

If you want a woman who's " pretty and silent", move on sir.

So if casual relations, situation-ships, and want to waste my time, I'd rather you look away.

This ain't what you want, you've been warned.w

omwoman

Life Chat: I'm Not Sorry.

I wish I was writing this sober and under happier circumstances, but it's not.

I replay that day in my head over and over and I realized that there were signs there that I ignored due to me being "in love".  

It started with small things like my lack of communication during my depressed days, me fighting to get control of my emotions while trying not to kill myself, you lacked understanding, but tried to be there.

 It eventually led to us not seeing each other as often, we both blamed work and life obligations. We managed to talk on the phone with forced and repetitive conversation.

I later found myself more comfortable not being around you, then the pressures of life and family pushed me over the edge, the most alarming thing was that saying "I love you" was less and less frequent from the both of us.

We were drifting apart, and I eventually found myself trying to stick it out because I didn't want you to think I was leaving you at the hardest time of your life and I was scared of being alone.

Then reality hit my heart hard as fuck.

I found myself praying and crying asking myself "where do I go from here?"

I came to the realization that going back to square one is a blessing, it's a chance to start over.

I am not sorry.

I'm not sorry for finding you on that web site, I am sorry for crying about it and questioning my worth.

I'm not sorry for "giving up" on us, I am sorry for not putting myself first.

I'm not sorry for making you happy, I am sorry for putting your happiness before my own.

I'm not sorry for being your better half, I am sorry for looking to you to make me whole.

I'm not sorry for seeing a future with you, I am sorry for actually considering your dreams before mine.

I am not sorry for loving you, I am sorry for not loving me more.

I don't hate you.

I wish you the best in all that you do, I hope you find a queen to make you a better man, I tried to be that for you.

I'm not fucking with nobody, my heart has taken too many blows.

I am no longer afraid to put myself first.

I am selfish when it comes to my happiness, my dreams, my mental state.

I am ready to grow.

 I am ready to be a better woman.

I will be a stronger woman.

I'm not giving up on love.

It's all about me right now AND I'M NOT SORRY ABOUT IT.

 

Hello, It's Me

I've thought about you for a long, long time...

The way you laughed so carefree, Your looks, money, popularity never mattered you you, you just wanted to smile.

It's important to me that you know you are free...

You're free to love who you are, as you are.

 You're free to live your life, your way.

Free to dance in a room, staring in and gazing at beauty that's always been there.

'Cause I never want to make you change for me...

That woman you thought you lost, never left.

Bring her back, glow with love & laughter forever.