I'm single again.
You may have known this already from the cryptic and sometimes subliminal Facebook and Instagram posts or even when my status magically disappeared.
I've written plenty of posts here about how good love is and how good the relationship was and how much I loved that man. It was all true. But no one ever expects the unexpected.
The details of how the breakup occurred I will keep to myself and among the people I trust. He's not a bad guy and I wish him the best.
The actual breakup stung, what hurt the most was that I had to get used to that familiar feeling that seems to be constant when it comes to my relationships, starting over.
Having to piece back together my heart.
To get over the denial that I am once again alone.
Rolling over to a cold other side of the bed.
Having to answer those questions from family and friends about where he is.
I had to really sit back and think about why I always found myself starting over again, why was I always jumping into another relationship only for it to end as quickly as it began?
It's natural to blame the other partner when it comes to a breakup, and yes, they have played their part, but I wanted to take responsibility for my part and change it.
I'm a girl who loves love. I get swept up in the fairy tales that come in the beginning, but when the tough times come, I find it hard to adjust.
Another realization that came to me was that most of my relationships only focused on the physical. I have NEVER in all my years had a spiritual and mental connection with anyone that I've dated. THAT'S A PROBLEM.
I felt that my body was all I had to offer, as well as money.
I was so insecure that the only time I was confident in my relationship was when me and the guy I was dating would have sex.
I never really dealt with or discussed my feelings, fears, or dreams. The only communication I would accept is sex.
I prayed to God and asked him to guide me, I wanted to know the correct path for me to follow.
I wanted to be complete.
I wanted to be wholeheartedly fulfilled in all aspects my life.
I want a husband and a family, and at the rate that I was going in my actions towards myself and relationships none of this would be possible.
I prayed some more and God gave me the answer, Celibacy.
I know at this point in the post you've probably screwed your face up in disgust or maybe you're shocked, but let me explain.
Celibacy is more than letting go of sex.
It is an opportunity for me to not only get closer to God,but also my friends and family.
I want to love myself with the same strength that I would my future husband, maybe more.
I want to travel and accomplish goals I've set for myself, which I always put to the back burner for my relationships.
Sex for me was a coping mechanism, a very unhealthy one.
I want to be able to face my problems head on and to not be afraid to express any type of emotion or fear I have.
I want to be able to focus and do the things that make me happy.
Will I date? Eventually. Even though the world seems to think that celibate people will be alone forever.
When I decide to date again, I want this person to know me for me.
I want this person to respect my decision and for them to not see as it as automatic rejection.
I don't want the distraction of sex to take away a person truly getting to know all of me.
The next man who will make love to me will b my husband, I won't rest until that's reality for me.
I know this journey will not be easy, but God knows the desires of my heart and that is the motivation I need to be strong in this decision.
I know I will get rejected and not everyone will agree with my decision and that's OK.
I have the support of God, my family, friends, co-workers, and social media friends, that's all I need.
I'm embarking on this journey with a full heart, clear mind, and hope. I won't hold back and I won't compromise for anyone.
Time for a change.