Life Chat: I'm Trying to Get in Where I Fit in.
I literally sat at my desk staring at the computer screen for about an hour. I hovered my cursor over the button "delete". I kept going back in forth in my mind, going through the pros and cons of wanting to delete this blog. Yes, you've read the right, I was going to delete this blog. After my recent hiatus, my comeback was not as I expected. In a matter of months, the blogging game changed and I wasn't prepared. Newsletters, Seminars, T-shirts, YouTube Videos, Twitter Chats, published books, and all I had was this blog. My views sucked, every post I put got lukewarm to almost no reception, my blog layout was starting to annoy the shit out of me. But part of me just told myself "keep blogging".
I've entered a new phase in my life that includes a full-time job with benefits, it's not exactly in my field of work that I'm $20,000 in debt for, but my bills are being paid in full and I have money to save. What fell to the wayside due to my 40 hr a week work schedule is this blog.
The blog which I fought so hard to make, and was proud of. The blog that introduced me to some of the most amazing, inspirational, fun, strong bloggers I've ever met in my life. The blog that got me emails from a woman in Jamaica saying that she loved a piece I wrote. I didn't feel like I could compete with the Demetria's. Tyece's, Erica's, Yetti's, Roco's, and Amber J's of the world. I felt like an outsider and I felt like an amateur compared to these successful bloggers who are constantly evolving. I felt stagnant. I felt like I was in last place, but then I later realized, it isn't a competition, we're all trying to win, together.
Blogging is something I'm passionate about, but everyday I struggle with the decisions of passion vs responsibility. If it were up to me I'd be in front of my laptop, music playing, blogging to my hearts content (while my boo rubbed my feet), but reality is, bills needs to be paid. I even tried to schedule in time before work and after work to blog. My blog posts became less frequent and it killed me my spirit. I told myself one day "who wants to read these bullshit 100 words?"
I wanted to give up so bad, but my finger wouldn't press delete.
I'm not the perfect blogger and writer. But who is? I may not have a fancy blog site (yet) with hundreds of views and comments a day (yet). I may not host blogging seminars (yet) or have a piece featured in a huge blogging platform (yet), but it's something I love to do.
I'm gonna fight for this blog to become the best that it can be. I'm gonna tell myself that I belong and that my voice matters. I have to remind myself that it's a process and it won't happen overnight.
I'll promise you, reading this right now, that I will continue to share my story with you, even if it falls on deaf ears.
I won't let the past year and a half worth of work, disappear.
Life in 100 words will be great.